"A Stick Snatched from the Fire"

I was sitting in the barn listening to the horses quietly munching on their breakfast, watching the rain drowning my pastures, and reading my devotional for that morning.

The verse that jumped out at me was not one that I had read before; in fact, I don’t think I have ever even read the book of Zechariah. The books of the prophets in the Old Testament have always been hard for me to grasp. In fact, I really don’t think I’ve ever bothered to try to understand any of them. But this passage really resonated with me.  

Zechariah 3:2 says, “The Lord rebuke you, Satan! The Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?”

That one line: “Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?” I needed to know more so I took the time to do a deep dive into the book of Zechariah in the Old Testament.

Zechariah’s chief purpose in writing this book was to rebuke the people of Judah and motivate them to rebuild the temple, but there is also a push towards spiritual renewal. Of course, in the Old Testament, the people were still anticipating and looking for the Messiah to come. In Zechariah 1:17 we read, “…..and the Lord will again comfort Zion and CHOOSE Jerusalem.” Again in Zechariah 2:12 we read, “…..and will again CHOOSE Jerusalem.” Chapter 3 is the beautiful story of filth to beauty and a reminder of how God CHOOSES his people.

Chapter 3 opens with the high priest, Joshua, standing before the angel of the Lord, and Satan, who was waiting to accuse Joshua! Just picture that for a minute, literally close your eyes and imagine that YOU are standing in front of an angel of the Lord and the devil is waiting to accuse you! I cannot even imagine the anxiety, anticipation, and memory of every horrible thing I had done, every mean thought, every foul word I had said, the lies I had told, and sinful images that would be flashing before my eyes like a movie in fast motion. It would be horrifying! BUT GOD…….

Verse 2 says, “The Lord rebuke you, Satan!”  Wait, he’s not rebuking ME??  Is he not reminding ME of my sin? Nope, “the Lord rebuke YOU, SATAN!”  WHOA! And then, just in case Satan didn’t get it, the angel says it again, “The Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you!” WOW. And now, that line that I cannot shake, “Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?” Again, picture yourself as I set this scene.

Joshua was standing before the angel of the Lord and Satan, and the Bible says he was “Dressed in filthy clothes as he stood there”.  In verses 4-6, the angel then said to others who were standing there, who were probably other angels, “Take off his filthy clothes….See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you……so they put a clean turban on his head and clothed him, while the angel of the Lord stood by.” 

Remember my rescue, Apollo? Remember how he came to us sick, emaciated, scared, broken, hungry, and thirsty? Remember how he stood looking at us when we went to get him from his pen, his eyes were dead, he was defeated, and he had given up all hope. Just like Joshua standing there waiting for his sentence, but God stepped in through his angel and swooped him up, just like God used us to rescue Apollo! Apollo was like the burning stick snatched from the fire just before he could burn. Just like God has offered Jesus to rescue you and me!

But it doesn’t end there, verses 6-7 says, “The angel of the Lord gave this charge to Joshua: This is what the Lord Almighty says: If you will walk in my ways and keep my requirements, then you will govern my house and have charge of my courts, and I WILL GIVE YOU A PLACE AMONG THESE STANDING HERE.” God does not choose to rescue us from our own sin and filth and leave us to figure the rest out. He offers us a playbook and teammates! Remember, “those standing here” were angels of the Lord!

My friend, WE are Joshua. Joshua is US; we are Apollo, Apollo is US! We are the “burning stick snatched from the fire”. Without Jesus, we are broken and filthy and filled with sin, and without hope. We are hungry and thirsty and need something to give us strength. Jesus did that for us on the cross. He died so we could live! He chose us, and even before Jesus walked on the earth, God was preparing the people for his arrival. The imagery of this story is now embedded in my mind’s eye. Side by side I picture the priest Joshua with Satan and the angel on either side, and I picture Apollo in that filthy auction pen and me standing next to him. And then, I cannot help but see MYSELF standing to be judged, but instead...

I was rescued. Rescued by the blood of Jesus.

Anxiety and it's triggers

I was out in the barn during the massive storms that hit our area a few weeks ago. 50-70 mph wind gusts and rain at 2-3 inches an hour, for almost 24 hours led to a very stressed-out rescued horse!  The barn sounded like freight trains were coming across the roof, the doors were shaking, the other horses outside were whinnying, and Apollo was amped up from the anxiety. They do not handle wind and storms too well. They are prey animals, and when their environment changes, such as high winds, pouring rain, or loud noises, their anxiety is off the chart because of the unknown.  

I started thinking about the correlation between a broken horse and a broken human. Sometimes anxiety creeps in and makes its way into your soul and you don't know where or why it's there. As I observed Apollo, I knew he had no idea why he was scared. He didn't know that the storm coming was the "trigger" for his fear and anxiety, he just knew he was scared. As much as I tried to console him and reassure him, his anxiety was way louder than my voice, and he doesn’t trust me yet, so all I was doing was adding to his fear.

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I can relate to this in so many ways. We really can
never be fully prepared for when anxiety or fear hits us. We could have a crystal ball, and know exactly who, what, or when "IT" was going to appear, and we would still have that uncertainty which can lead to fear, insecurity, and emotional distress. I have learned, through extensive self-care work, studying the Word, and reading about the journeys of others that when anxiety hits, our body is trying to tell us something. Whether it’s a physical or emotional response, it is still a very palpable feeling that requires a reaction. For Apollo, he could hear all the scary sounds around him, and he had no idea how to cope. He felt alone and wanted to trust me, but I hadn’t earned that yet. He felt he was on his own. And isn’t that exactly how anxiety feels? Lonely, without control, yet desperate for someone to help?

My earliest memory of that sick feeling in my stomach which I now know is anxiety, was when my younger brother, Chuck, got lost in a campground. I was 5. As I grew up, that feeling intensified when I was afraid, anxious, nervous, or unsure. I felt everything in my stomach. Sometimes it was severe enough to have me bent over in pain, sometimes it was just a nagging discomfort, but it is absolutely related to an anxious situation.

What I have learned over the years is that it is okay to be anxious at times. That is our body warning us of a situation that could cause us some type of stress or discomfort. However, living with constant anxiety is not okay, nor does anyone choose that life. The verses in 1 Peter 5:7 and Philippians 4:6-7 are familiar to all of us: Cast all your anxiety on him…..Of course, these are truths that comfort us just by knowing Jesus is there to take it on. Just like I was there to help Apollo, but in the same emptiness that my presence offered Apollo, sometimes those verses definitely just feel like cliché words that should be on a magnet. As if we are oversimplifying the issues at heart. And then THAT feeling becomes a source of anxiety as we desperately look for an escape.

I have recently been drawn to Lamentations 3:19-26 as my reminder that my God does not want me to live without hope, or be consumed by anxiety. He offers me his great love, which is new every morning. He is faithful and steadfast, which means while I may change and move away from him, he does not change and he does not move. He is right where I left him, waiting to offer me hope.

Lamentations 3 says; “I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

So much of my anxiety and fear stems from memories of hard things in my life. Hard things that happened to me, and of my own hand. Hard things that bring shame, grief, sadness, fear, and always anxiety. But according to Lamentations, my hope is simply in the Lord, and while sometimes I need to wait, I do not need to fear. Lamentations 3:55-58 goes on to say, “I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my pleas. ‘Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.’ You came near when I called you, and you said, do not fear. O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life.”

What an amazing, beautiful, and hopeful passage this gives to those who struggle with fear and anxiety. When we call on our Jesus, from the pit of grief and shame and sin, he hears us. He WAITS for us to reach out and then he scoops us up and redeems the pain. Oh my friend, cast your anxiety on Jesus….he really really does care for you, and so do I!

 

 

Rejection and Redemption

This past weekend I introduced Apollo to the rest of our herd. We have three horses and one miniature pony. They knew he was in the barn because they had wrestled the door open to sneak in there and meet him. We had him quarantined so that any of his sickness wouldn't affect the herd, but they had another plan. We captured the break-in on our cameras after the fact and then watched as they pushed the massive barn door open, and then walked into the barn, and each met him one by one. Since the quarantine had been broken, the vet told us to go ahead and let him into the field.  Well, that didn't go so great. Our gentlest horse decided he did not like Apollo at all. He wouldn't allow him to eat the hay, pushed him off the water, and even ran him into the woods where he got all tangled. 

I fully admit that I am very protective of Apollo. I have made up stories in my head of what could've possibly happened to him in his short life of seven years, and none of those possibilities ever have a good ending. So watching him try to make friends and be rejected hit me to the core. Again, the correlation was so obvious! I watched as he attempted to join the other horses, and then was run off. I watched him look for me across the field, but he couldn't get to me because the other horses stood between us. 

Finally, after we worked to move the horses into the center of the field I was able to move him out. Our little mini was the only one trying to be his friend. She stood UNDER him,  literally, like she was trying to protect him. I finally made the decision that enough was enough and moved him back into the stall. He was wheezing and his nostrils were flaring and he was literally having what I would call the equivalent of a human panic attack. I stayed with him, talked to him quietly, and just rubbed his head and face till his breathing leveled out and he seemed to be calm. 

I then came inside and cried. Yes, I literally cried. I know to some people that would just seem silly, but I just see so clearly the things I believe God is trying to show me through this first rescue. To Apollo, I am his savior. I am the one who rescued him from the auction. I am the one who cleans out the stall of his filth and still loves him. I am the one who is feeding his starving body, medicating his sickness, and quenching his thirst. I am the one he sees several times a day, and when his own kind turned on him and he felt left out, he found me. I am his savior.

But my Savior did so much more for me, He died on the cross for me. He chose to come to this sinful earth and walk among us. He chooses to feed me spiritually through His word, and He chooses to scrub me clean of the filth I accumulate. He also offers me an out. He gives me permission to not fit into the herd and to be loved by Him instead. He reminds me that I am never alone. Sometimes I may not feel His presence, but just like our little mini standing quietly underneath Apollos, my faith reminds me that I am never, ever alone. 

The reminders of my little project are so much more profound than I could ever imagine. I am learning so much from him and about redemption.

Trust and Surrender

 
I am sure most people would think we are crazy by what I did on New Year's Day, but my heart and soul have always been personally nourished by helping others in some capacity. The more broken and wounded, the more I am filled up by absorbing any of that pain and helping to breathe some type of joy into that other soul. I have mentored others my entire life. With that comes pain, so much pain. Taking on the other person's pain, processing their life stories, accepting when they no longer need you and feeling abandoned. Being afraid to help someone else or step in their pain because of what it does to you.....all of those things have made it hard to continue to willingly step into other's pain; and yet, taking a step away from the pain has proven to be just as hard for me. 

Even as a young girl, my father would call me "Dear Abby". For those too young to remember, Abby was a journalist who people would write to and she would answer their questions in the newspaper. My grandmother called me a "bum magnet", which sounds harsh, I know, but she was as well, so I took it as a compliment! We both attracted the hurting and the broken, and weren't afraid to bring them to the family table, LITERALLY. One year I brought a messed up young girl to Thanksgiving and man did she stand out like a sore thumb!  But recently one of my aunts brought that memory up and shared that it is still something God uses to remind her to love the unlovely.  

Anyway, back to the CRAZY part. On New Year's Day this year, my daughter Abby and I went to check out a horse auction with the intention of learning more about how we can get involved in the horse world. We recently bought a horse farm and want to use it to rescue horses and find them good homes. After hours at the auction, watching amazing horses sell for thousands of dollars and then watching others go for pennies on the dollar, we started to see the trends. At the very end of the night, a beautiful Appaloosa gelding came out, under saddle with a rider, and he was beautiful.  That rider rode him like a crazy cowboy, and we could tell he was skinny, but he was managed well under saddle. The auctioneer said he was about 7-10 years old, great under saddle, blah blah blah.  Bidding started at $2000 and ended up at $500!  I don't know what possessed me, but I bid on him. And I won. Then I looked at Abby and said, what the heck did I just do?  She shook her head at me and said, "Well, I think you just got your project Momma!"  Indeed! 

We pulled the trailer around and went to get our new boy. We walked to the pen, and he was no longer under saddle, and I lost my breath. He was skin and bones. He was so weak, and so scared, and so hungry. His eyes were bloodshot and looked like they were popping out of his head. I looked at Abby again and we were both speechless.  It took three REAL cowboys to get him in the trailer because he was SO afraid. A three-hour trip home and we reached our house around midnight. As soon as we opened the door to the trailer, we realized he was also VERY sick. Well, we definitely got our project. 

The world we live in is an excruciating place. So many of us suffer from wounds so deep they cannot be spoken. Abuse, sickness, death, hunger, the list is exhausting and never-ending. That horse's eyes tell his story. I am hurt, I am scared, I am broken, I am hungry, I am thirsty, I do not trust you, I do not want to love you, I do not want to be fixed. I am dead inside, please go away. Does this touch that deep part of you that you don't want to see or feel? How can we feel joy ever again when we are so broken and destroyed? 

Psalm 51: 12 says, "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." I read that verse this morning, many times, and I couldn't help but think of our new
boy and how he represents so many of us who are hurting over so many things. David isn't just asking for God to help him. This is how I read that verse, "Please Lord, I want the joy that only you can offer, and I also need you to make me willing to accept it and to accept those moments when I don't feel joy." 

Our new rescue reminds me of myself in so many ways. In the first 24 hours, he literally dared us to try to help him. Even if we gave him food, he grabbed it away and stared at us as if he were saying, "I will not thank you for helping me and I will never trust you." Today when I went out to him, he whinnied when I walked in, and then he would not leave me alone while I tried to clean his stall. I thought the food would distract him since he was so hungry, but nope.....he wanted me to rub his head and talk to him. He wanted to play with my zipper and feed him carrots. It only took a couple days of constant reassurance for him to make a SMALL effort to connect with me. His eyes are not as crazy as they were before, and he isn't as jumpy. Do not get me wrong, I would not try to ride him or even walk behind him yet!  But that dead look in his eyes isn't as prominent. He is allowing the nourishment to calm his grumbling belly, accepting the medication to help cure his pneumonia, and allowing my hands on his face to calm him.  

What a picture I have in my head at this moment of how broken I am, and how allowing my faith and my relationship with Jesus to heal me is exactly the parallel of our rescued horse and us. How patient God needs to be with me on a minute-by-minute basis as I struggle to trust his plans, not just for me and my husband, but for my children and grandchildren. I hold my hands so tight in a fist that doesn't represent surrender of any kind but shows my inability to trust God to do what is right for me. Maybe our boy, now named Apollo, is not just here for me to love and save, but to remind me of how much my God loves me and wants me to have joy.  

Surrender..........release your grip, Heidi. Let me take the REINS, and let me show you my power." -God

"

What is your contextual purpose?

 

All over the world beds are being made every morning, gyms are full with people ready to "start the new year off right", "Dry January" is a thing, and diet facilities are bursting at the seams. All because of those New Year's Resolutions! We start off the new year so strong! Our bed is made every morning and we head to the gym in our new workout clothes, and then January 31 hits and we are right back to where we were on December 31. Why don't those resolutions stick? Why do we even bother to make them? Something inside of us gives us hope that "this time it will be different". But it isn't different is it? It's the same old thing, month after month, year after year. 

I started January off reading "Be Your Future Self Now" by Dr. Benjamin Hardy. This is a

FANTASTIC book and one I highly recommend. Towards the end of the book he talks about how critical it is to "define for yourself a contextual purpose that you believe to be the absolute most important thing you could do right now." He goes on to lay out steps to do exactly this. He says that without clarifying your contextual purpose there is really no point in goal setting. Knowing who you plan to be, not want to be, PLAN to be in 1 year, 5 year, 10 years is critical not just to achieving goals, but also for making every day decisions that could either sabotage your purpose or help accomplish that purpose. 

I am working to apply this concept to all aspects of my life. Professionally, physically, as a wife, as a mother, as a grandmother, as a friend, as a writer. But, all of that can become very overwhelming and it also, according to Dr. Hardy, will work to muddy the waters and cause paralysis by analysis; which is a common issue for me! So then, what are the TOP THREE places I need to focus in order to BE WHO I PLAN TO BE in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. Understanding the concept of "Focused and Deliberate Purpose" puts a whole new spin on those New Year's Goals. 

For example, if my goal is to weigh 50 pounds less than I do today, every single thing I do to achieve that goal must be FOCUSED and DELIBERATE. Making the choice to get up and get on the Peloton instead of watching one more episode is DELIBERATE. Meal planning.....FOCUSED. If my goal is to write one blog post every month, then I must make a DELIBERATE decision to sit and write and to be FOCUSED as I do it. Now what does that look like?  That's the next step. "Set massive 12-month targets based on your priorities." If my goal is to spend quality time with my adult children, what are the targets I must hit in order to get to the end of 2023 and KNOW that I accomplished that goal? 

I am still working through it all in my head. I do not want to be at exactly this same place next year. I do not want to be that person who had great goals and then lost my focus and stopped making deliberate choices to accomplish those goals. So making my bed every morning may not be part of those resolutions because ultimately it does not check off the box of what I KNOW my contextual purpose to be. What else do I need to let go of? What do I need to add? 

What is YOUR contextual purpose? 

"Dream Big"

"Dream Big"...........“As entrepreneurs, we refuse to think small,” he said. “Your ambition is the cap to your potential.”

When I hear the words, "Dream Big", I immediately think of the speeches we hear at high school and college graduations. We spend lots of time telling our children to "Dream Big", but do we still apply that to our own lives as adults? 

The first "Compass Entrepreneurship Principles" at our company is, "Dream Big". When I sit and try to apply this to my life, it is easy to hit a road block. I am in my 50's, what things do I need to dream big about? But if we stop dreaming, we stop living. The dreams of our heart, soul, and mind are what keep us alive and growing.

I've talked before about how a body of water that isn't moving smells bad. The currents are what bring in fresh and new water and makes it so that nothing is standing still. No one wants to sit beside a smelly, gross swamp and dream about life. But put me next to a quiet stream, or a beautiful river, or on the beach of the ocean, and my creative juices start flowing. I feel the heavy daily life issues roll off my shoulders, and suddenly I am refreshed and new and ready! 

If we do not "Dream Big", we become like that smelly swamp, both personally and professionally. As a Realtor, I am guiding people when it comes to their real estate dreams. Whether it is buying their first home ever, or selling their parent's family home, every single home purchase or sale is the beginning or the end of of someone's dream. I believe firmly that I have to be able to visualize and articulate my own hopes and dreams if I want to be able to guide someone through theirs! So my personal goal is label my dreams as "goals". I want to achieve my dreams, one at a time, and then dream up new things to achieve. What are your dreams and goals for 2023!

"Dream Big" my friends.......dream big! 

Finding JOY in being PRESENT

 

If you know me at all, or even just follow me on social media, then you know I have an amazing and beautiful new grandbaby. She is now 8 months old and every single minute of her life, since the day she was born, has been better than the one before. People told me all the time...."Just wait till you have grandchildren! It changes everything!" I just couldn't even begin to imagine how it could "change everything" or be better than having my own children, but....OH. MY. GOODNESS!  I am a lunatic!!!  But the lessons I have already learned from this sweet baby, and from being her Situ (Lebanese for Grandmother) is 10 fold!  

I have heard people talk about "being present" before. I've seen the memes, I've shared the posts, it isn't a new concept to me. But when Amelia came along, I began to truly practice being present. It was not a conscious decision to "be present" when I was with Amelia, but it became my heart's desire. In her first days, I was given the unique gift of being permitted by her first time Mommy to sit and hold her for hours while Danielle slept. And I didn't sit in front of the tv, I wasn't answering emails or working, I wasn't even reading a book. I was sitting in the rocking chair, rocking my fussy new grandbaby for hours while her Mommy slept. Sometimes she would sleep just as long, but rarely! Her just born belly was always hurting her and she didn't just sleep her life away like most newborns. Those times became known as "Situ Naps" and Danielle would call me and say, "It's time for a Situ nap", and off I went. Being present. 

As Amelia got a little older, I was given the amazing privilege of having her for regular "sleep overs". I would cuddle her in my bed to get her to sleep, and then I wouldn't move. I would literally just watch her sleep until I fell asleep. I decided after the first time that happened that it would ALWAYS be the norm at Situ's. She would NEVER go to sleep alone, and would always sleep with me if she wanted to. I ADORED both of my grandmother's. My relationship with each of them was unique and special and life long. But, at my maternal grandmother's, I was afraid to sleep over as a kid. I was always homesick. At MY Situ's, I never wanted to go home. And my Situ always let me sleep in her bed and would fall asleep holding my hand.  Something I passed on to my children. When I nap with Amelia, I turn my phone on Do Not Disturb, tv is off, and I just lay there watching her. I am present. Sometimes she will wake up and startle and then look up at me, smile, and go back to sleep. Almost like she is saying..."Just making sure you're still here!" Yes babygirl....Situ is still here. 

This idea of being present has become something stirring in my soul and mind for the last several weeks, and I knew it would be my March post. I dug up this old photo of this woman in a crowd and everyone else is looking at their phones, trying to capture the moment, fighting each other, but she is just standing there, arms folded, taking in that special moment. Her memory of it will be crystal clear. She will remember what it looked like to see whatever it is she was looking at. She will remember her peace, not that she was part of frenzy. She will not worry that she didn't capture the moment on her phone, because it will be engraved in her heart forever. Lately I have been reminded of this photo when my adult kids come home and want to tell me about their day. Almost every night my husband and I go to bed around 9:30/10 to lay in bed and watch tv before we sleep. My kids were all working the late shifts until recently, so one by one they would all get home and one by one they would all come in our room to tell us about their day. Listen, at that hour, after a whole day of real estate and talking to everyone under the sun, I do NOT feel like listening to them talk about the ins and outs of their day. And I used to say after a few minutes....Ok!  OUT!  But over the last few months I have stopped telling them to move along. I have tried VERY hard to pause the tv, put down my phone, make eye contact, and listen to them. I am not always successful, but I am working hard to make sure that all they remember is that I was always present in the moment. No text is so important that it cannot wait a few minutes. No video has to be watched at that moment. No tv show will  not still be there later. Nothing is more important than those few moments and I need to BE PRESENT. 

What will our children and grandchildren learn from us if we are always in the moment with them. What type of confidence and security will it build in my grandbaby if she knows that, NO MATTER WHAT, Situ is ALWAYS there for me. Her perception, her foundation, her building blocks have been built since her birth on people who are present. In this crazy messed up world, that will be her lifeline. We do not know what will happen next. We do not know how our lives can change, how different things can be tomorrow, next week, next month. If Covid has taught us anything, it is how to be happy at home. I am trying to take that a step further and trying to find joy in being present in every moment, like I am when Amelia comes over or I go see her. Sometimes that means turning the radio off in the car just so I can hear my own thoughts. Sometimes it means getting up at 5:15 because those are the hours that no one needs me and I can be present for myself. Sometimes it means putting the phone on do not disturb just because it's dinner time and the whole family is home....OR just two of us!  Whatever steps you need to take to be PRESENT, start taking them. One at a time. I believe firmly the joy I find watching Amelia sleep curled up next to me is what powers me through hard things. I believe firmly that the time I spend with myself in the mornings is powering me through self-doubt and insecurities. I believe in being present.

Change your circumstances....change your perspective...EVERY SINGLE DAY

Every morning I wake up early, before the sun comes up, and I go to the kitchen and put the dogs out, turn on the coffee pot, and (usually) empty the dishwasher. By the time the coffee is done, the dogs are ready to come back in, the kitchen is organized again, and I head to "my chair", open the curtains, settle in with my blanket and coffee, and start my morning quiet time. This consists of several different things, but I try to do them all every morning: journaling, reading some Scripture, reading a designated book, checking into my company's interactive boards and engaging with coworkers, and two days a week I get on a zoom call with 500 other agents from the East Coast to collaborate and encourage and learn. The whole time this is happening, I am watching the sky go from a deep darkness to gray, then to slightly pink, orange, yellow....as the sun slowly comes up over the Elk River, I am amazed....EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

This morning I had to leave my house early to help out at our dry cleaners, and I was sad to miss the entire sunrise, but as I drove out of our neighborhood and through the back roads, I watched the sun come up. I went up route 40 and was watching it come up above the Kohls, the Taco Bell, the Walmart. And I thought: wow, the whole world should stop and watch the sunrise. I am so blessed to see it every morning now where I live, and to be able to enjoy it. I feel bad that most people don't get to see it everyday.  Wait, what?  

And then the thought occurred to me.  I will be 52 this July. That is almost 52 years of sunrises and I have missed all but the last year. That is 18,980 days. 18,980 opportunities to take 20 minutes and watch the sunrise. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY! There is absolutely a blog post in that statement somewhere, right? Why now, do I take the time, NO, MAKE the time, every single day to get up and watch the sunrise. If it's raining, I am still getting up, if it's foggy, I am still getting up. It isn't always a beautiful amazing sunrise with the brilliant colors of reds, oranges, yellows, pinks, purples. Sometimes it's just a slow gray awakening that stays that way all day, but EVERY SINGLE DAY I have that chance to see it, and I do not want to miss the opportunity anymore.....I have missed it for far too much of my life. 

Why now? Because I'm almost 52 and learning to slow down a little bit and take some time for myself every morning? Because I joined the 6am club at my company and have felt the benefits of that for the five months I have been doing it?  Because I moved to the water and it just calls to me every day? Yes, yes, yes, and more yes.  My circumstances changed, and so did my perspective. 

I started riding horses this past year with my daughter. I loved it so much, I bought myself a horse so that she and I could ride together. At 51 years old, I learned to ride a horse. Why now? Cause my circumstances changed. I lost almost 100 pounds this past year and now I CAN ride the horse. But one of the most interesting things I have learned about horses is this:
they have the power to change their circumstances with very little effort, but they don't. Horses are so strong, they are big, they are so driven, and they are also so stuck! Check out this meme "Sometimes the thing that is holding you back...is all in your head." This horse in the photo could walk away without even trying. She could break the chair, stomp the chair, or just walk away with it trailing behind her, but instead she stands there, thinking she is stuck, not moving, not looking around, tethered to something that isn't even a threat to her freedom. I can walk my horse, Athena, holding lightly to her lead rope. All she has to do is pull slightly (for her) and I will go flying. She has done it, she had thrown me off, and then she looks down at me like:  oops! I didn't mean to do that.  But, her power is significant, it's truly magnificent, and yet, she will stand on cross ties while I brush her, she will let me pick up her feet and chip away at the dirt she has caked in there, she will follow me around the ring even without a rope. She has learned to trust me (most of the time). BUT, at any moment, she can change her circumstances without even thinking about it. 

So what is the take away, if you haven't already figured it out? Change your circumstances and you will change your perspective....and you can make this happen EVERY SINGLE DAY. What beautiful amazing thing are you missing because you have surrendered to your circumstances? What "chair" is in your head and holding you back? Is it simply because the complacency of staying the same has made you unable to hear what your heart is telling you? Sometimes our circumstances change without us wanting them to, sometimes it is NOT for the better, but in every single day there is a sunrise. Sometimes it's gray and ugly, but it's still rising. So every single day we have to go looking for it. 

EVERY. SINGLE.DAY.

Be OKAY to NOT be okay!

At this time of year it is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle. Shopping for that one gift, being at a loss of what to get for the "one who has everything". Road rage, mall rage, too much food, too much sugar, not enough hours in the day.....the list goes on and on. Every year I tell myself not to go crazy with the gifts. Every year I tell myself I will NOT be in stores the week of Christmas. Every year I tell myself I will start shopping in summer next year!  And after 31 years of raising kids, I can say without a doubt.....that is all just lies I tell myself! 

Something that has ALWAYS hit a nerve with me are the way that the pain of grief and loneliness are so much more severe around the holidays. I saw this quote, "Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the Lonely. The Frayed. And the Rejected." Hmmmm.........."persecutes" is a strong word. Too strong?  Not sure. "Lonely".....definitely.  "Frayed"......isn't that most of us? "Rejected".....ouch. My first instinct is to become defensive because surely I make sure that everyone in my world is none of those things. Not lonely, not frayed, not persecuted, and certainly not rejected. But I am guilty of not paying attention to what is right in front of me, even and especially at the holidays. 

 

I remember watching The Charlie Brown Christmas special every year as a child, and then watching it every year with my own children. It has been running for 50 years now, and I am 51. With the exception of a very few years, I've watched it every year of my life. I remember always being struck about how sad it seemed to me. Why were the other kids so mean to Charlie Brown? Why was there such a spirit of sadness in that show? Yes, it ends with the "true meaning of Christmas", but why did it take such a sad approach to get there? I read some back story on the show and found out that the networks weren't going to run it, they expected it to be a flop, and Schultz was ridiculed for it. But then it ran, and it was a huge success!  Why?  Well, my thought process is because "Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely. The Frayed. And the Rejected."  And everyone feels one of those things at any given time. The article went on to say that "If we ever have to fight bullying, at so many levels, this is it." Charlie Brown fought the bullying by reciting the Christmas story from the book of Luke in the Bible. Why do we ALL resonate with Charlie Brown's Christmas in some way?  Because he is a lonely boy, unsure of his place in the world, unsure what is expected of him, unsure of his abilities, awkward, weird, and in essence....ME!  And probably YOU!  We relate, we understand, we FEEL the outcast and weirdness, we get it. We want to belong somewhere and at Christmas, it's hard to figure out where that somewhere is for many many people.

On Christmas Day, the world shuts down. Malls close, stores reduce their hours, the streets are empty, the traffic is light. The world is celebrating, and yet, so many of us are grieving, sad, lonely. I know that on the holidays, as I watch my family celebrate, I am always reminded of who is missing. My brother Mark who died when he was 16, my grandparents on both sides who were always a huge part of every Christmas, the babies I lost, the friends I lost. Sometimes, the friends I've lost is the most painful of all the memories. 

Growing up, my parents would host an open house on Christmas Eve. It was not unusual for 100 people to be at our home before everyone would head to church. It was my FAVORITE time of the holiday season. After my brother died in 1993, my parents just couldn't see doing it anymore. I was married that December, and the following year, I took on the tradition. At first it was just family, then it grew to our friends and their families. I did it for several years, and then another huge loss in my life and my deep friendships were torn apart. Every single Christmas I crave those Christmas Eve open houses where my dearest and most special people in my life would come to my home and share that time with us. Every year I mourn the loss of those friendships, I feel the loneliness for those I have cherished most, and I miss those no longer in my life, either by death or choice. 

There was a time, and I've written about it often, where it became clear that I had to let go of all my bitterness because it was making me ugly. Now, I use this phrase: "I will not chase bitterness."  Bitterness is something that requires a lot of work to maintain. It's exhausting. It's painful. Sweet peace is so much better. And the absence of bitterness is peace. Sweet joyful peace in the soul.  But for many, it is just too hard to let go, and definitely too hard to move on. I have made a conscious decision in the last few years to NOT chase bitterness. I have worked hard to "be better". I am super excited to have all my kids home this year for Christmas, to spend time with our first grandbaby, to start our new traditions as grandparents. But my heart is heavy for those who have no family or friends. Or whose relationships with their family and friends is so broken. And for those whose lonely and sad heart will break again this Christmas as they miss the people no longer in their lives, whether by death or by choice. 

I'm reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. In this book she talks about the deep need to talk about the hard things. To look for the things that "get in the way" of joy and happiness. It is not a self-help book about being happy. It's a book that confronts the fact that we need to talk about the hard things. We need to address the fears, the pain, the concerns, the worry, the anger, the sadness; we need to talk about them. We need to own them. We cannot numb the pain away. Even if we try, it's still there. Even if I am excited to spend time with my first grandbaby this Christmas, I am still missing my brother. Even if I love the friends I will visit with over the holiday week, I still miss the ones I have deep memories with. Even if I am content to not be in church on Christmas Eve, I still crave the spiritual depth I had every Christmas Eve for 40 years of my life in my church. 

Christmas is HARD. Christmas is lonely. Christmas is emotional. Christmas is filled with bittersweet moments of joy and pain all wrapped into one minute. BUT, Christmas is when we celebrate the birth of the most persecuted, the most lonely, the most frayed, and the most rejected of all of us. Jesus came to take away all of those feelings and just like Charlie

Brown's recitation of the Christmas story, as we say those words we are reminded that "That is what Christmas is all about". Do not be afraid to lean into the pain of grief, loneliness, and depression this holiday season. Look it in the eye, name it, own it, and grieve it. Be okay to miss the people you've lost. Be okay to talk about them. Be okay to hug a little longer. Be okay to invite that person who is alone for the holidays, even if you don't have a present for them under the tree. Be okay.......to not be okay. I remind myself all the time, "Do not look backward! You aren't going that way!" 

Top ten things I am thankful for from 2021!

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 Last week was Thanksgiving. Our company calls it "Gratitude Week". In our 6am call on Thanksgiving, it was an open forum and people were just given the opportunity to share what they were thankful for, OR what their challenges were, acknowledging how hard the holidays can be for people. It was suggested that we create a list of things from 2021 that we are thankful for and keep it in front of us during 2022 so that we can continue to be thankful. Of course, what better place for me to write that down than in a blog post with the hopes that it will inspire those who read to do the same! 

When I think of 2021, I often think of how stressful so many things were and "whew! What a tough year!". Redirecting my thinking makes me look at my year totally differently! Yes, of course there were challenges! There always are! But focusing on the challenges and not the gifts of the year simply allows us to be consumed by the negative. Shifting the thinking surely will reset our emotional and mental state for greeting each day with joy, and you know I'm big on JOY!

So my list......not in any order!

1. OF COURSE....my first grandbaby, Amelia Lauretta, born on my birthday!! She has CHANGED ME! Everything about her makes me want to be a better person, wants me to do everything better. I could go on forever and ever about the joy she brings. I look at her while she's cuddled up to me drinking her bottle and staring into
my eyes and I dream for her. I dream of who she will be, what she will become, what she will accomplish in her life. I think of what challenges and grief she will face and beg God to spare her from any of those things! I pray for her and her Mommy and Daddy and pray that they do it better than we did. My sweet girl....Situ loves you more than I ever thought possible! I am so incredibly proud of my daughter and the amazing mother she is! I am so thankful that our grandbaby will be mothered by her. She is truly and profoundly a fantastic mommy.

2. We moved at the end of 2020, and our new house on the water needed so much work!! For the first six months of 2021, I had contractors coming and going every single day and changing and answering questions and making decisions, and moving things out of a room, back into the room, out of the room....it was exhausting! But I am SO thankful for our little house on the water, quirks and issues too! I am so thankful for the friends I have in the contracting world who always stepped in to help me with every decision and every job. From remodeling to hvac to fencing to electric.....the list is long, and I am thankful.

3. My relationships with my kids. They say in a small house you live closer, you talk more, you are in each other's presence more. I have found that to be so true and such a huge blessing. We have always had big houses and lots of space. We thought we needed it with 5 kids and 4 dogs! But to be honest, living in a little ranch with our kids has given us daily opportunities to invest in our children and in each other.

4. Since the pandemic, my husband has worked his "real job" remotely from our dry cleaners so that we could keep the cleaners running. When so many other cleaners were shutting down, he stayed open and kept it going, all while working his real job remotely from the cleaners. I know he hates doing it and hates that he has to, but I'm so thankful for him.

5.I'm thankful for my real estate business that paid for all those renovations, our family vacation, the fun we had are our new house this summer. Without it, none of those things would've been possible.

6. I'm thankful for my best friend and business partner. I wish I could put into words the friendship and business relationship we have! When I am weak, she is strong; when she is weak, I am strong. The challenges we have faced together could be a sitcom! Having fun at your job means it isn't work at all. We make sure to make it fun!

7. Our family vacation in Carova! We had ALL our kids, their friends, our grandbaby!  It was an AMAZING week and I truly believe we enjoyed each other even more this year because of the many challenges we all faced this year. Already booked for next year!

8. My parent's health. My dad had a huge scare this year and needed quintuplet bypass surgery. We held our breath for hours waiting to hear he had survived the surgery. He still has a long road but he is here with us. Last night he was sitting holding Amelia and I was overwhelmed with gratitude that he is still here with us. I know he is ready for Heaven, but I am not ready to do this life without him yet!

9. My health has greatly improved this year. To date I have lost close to 90 pounds and I feel like a different person. The announcement that my daughter was pregnant snapped me into gear and I was determined to do whatever it took to lose weight and be young and healthy for my grandbaby. I am thankful every time I can jump up off the floor, or take her on walks at the barn, or stay up with her at night because I could not have done any of it a year ago. I am so thankful.

10. My son-in-law. His challenges and struggles are his to share and it

has been a rough year for him and my daughter. It would be easy for me to be angry and bitter and resentful and have regrets, but I am choosing instead to be THANKFUL for him, and for his struggles. I believe with all of my heart that his love for my daughter and their baby is paramount. I believe that he can do amazing things as he fights his demons. We ALL have demons, some just present differently than others. I am thankful that when he walks into the room, Amelia LIGHTS UP because her Daddy is there. I am thankful that my daughter looks at him with love that I am actually truly jealous of sometimes. I am thankful that he always tells me he loves me, even if we are at odds. I am thankful that he is in our family, that he is ours.