At this time of year it is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle. Shopping for that one gift, being at a loss of what to get for the "one who has everything". Road rage, mall rage, too much food, too much sugar, not enough hours in the day.....the list goes on and on. Every year I tell myself not to go crazy with the gifts. Every year I tell myself I will NOT be in stores the week of Christmas. Every year I tell myself I will start shopping in summer next year! And after 31 years of raising kids, I can say without a doubt.....that is all just lies I tell myself!
I remember watching The Charlie Brown Christmas special every year as a child, and then watching it every year with my own children. It has been running for 50 years now, and I am 51. With the exception of a very few years, I've watched it every year of my life. I remember always being struck about how sad it seemed to me. Why were the other kids so mean to Charlie Brown? Why was there such a spirit of sadness in that show? Yes, it ends with the "true meaning of Christmas", but why did it take such a sad approach to get there? I read some back story on the show and found out that the networks weren't going to run it, they expected it to be a flop, and Schultz was ridiculed for it. But then it ran, and it was a huge success! Why? Well, my thought process is because "Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely. The Frayed. And the Rejected." And everyone feels one of those things at any given time. The article went on to say that "If we ever have to fight bullying, at so many levels, this is it." Charlie Brown fought the bullying by reciting the Christmas story from the book of Luke in the Bible. Why do we ALL resonate with Charlie Brown's Christmas in some way? Because he is a lonely boy, unsure of his place in the world, unsure what is expected of him, unsure of his abilities, awkward, weird, and in essence....ME! And probably YOU! We relate, we understand, we FEEL the outcast and weirdness, we get it. We want to belong somewhere and at Christmas, it's hard to figure out where that somewhere is for many many people.
On Christmas Day, the world shuts down. Malls close, stores reduce their hours, the streets are empty, the traffic is light. The world is celebrating, and yet, so many of us are grieving, sad, lonely. I know that on the holidays, as I watch my family celebrate, I am always reminded of who is missing. My brother Mark who died when he was 16, my grandparents on both sides who were always a huge part of every Christmas, the babies I lost, the friends I lost. Sometimes, the friends I've lost is the most painful of all the memories.
Growing up, my parents would host an open house on Christmas Eve. It was not unusual for 100 people to be at our home before everyone would head to church. It was my FAVORITE time of the holiday season. After my brother died in 1993, my parents just couldn't see doing it anymore. I was married that December, and the following year, I took on the tradition. At first it was just family, then it grew to our friends and their families. I did it for several years, and then another huge loss in my life and my deep friendships were torn apart. Every single Christmas I crave those Christmas Eve open houses where my dearest and most special people in my life would come to my home and share that time with us. Every year I mourn the loss of those friendships, I feel the loneliness for those I have cherished most, and I miss those no longer in my life, either by death or choice.
There was a time, and I've written about it often, where it became clear that I had to let go of all my bitterness because it was making me ugly. Now, I use this phrase: "I will not chase bitterness." Bitterness is something that requires a lot of work to maintain. It's exhausting. It's painful. Sweet peace is so much better. And the absence of bitterness is peace. Sweet joyful peace in the soul. But for many, it is just too hard to let go, and definitely too hard to move on. I have made a conscious decision in the last few years to NOT chase bitterness. I have worked hard to "be better". I am super excited to have all my kids home this year for Christmas, to spend time with our first grandbaby, to start our new traditions as grandparents. But my heart is heavy for those who have no family or friends. Or whose relationships with their family and friends is so broken. And for those whose lonely and sad heart will break again this Christmas as they miss the people no longer in their lives, whether by death or by choice.
I'm reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. In this book she talks about the deep need to talk about the hard things. To look for the things that "get in the way" of joy and happiness. It is not a self-help book about being happy. It's a book that confronts the fact that we need to talk about the hard things. We need to address the fears, the pain, the concerns, the worry, the anger, the sadness; we need to talk about them. We need to own them. We cannot numb the pain away. Even if we try, it's still there. Even if I am excited to spend time with my first grandbaby this Christmas, I am still missing my brother. Even if I love the friends I will visit with over the holiday week, I still miss the ones I have deep memories with. Even if I am content to not be in church on Christmas Eve, I still crave the spiritual depth I had every Christmas Eve for 40 years of my life in my church.
Christmas is HARD. Christmas is lonely. Christmas is emotional. Christmas is filled with bittersweet moments of joy and pain all wrapped into one minute. BUT, Christmas is when we celebrate the birth of the most persecuted, the most lonely, the most frayed, and the most rejected of all of us. Jesus came to take away all of those feelings and just like Charlie
Brown's recitation of the Christmas story, as we say those words we are reminded that "That is what Christmas is all about". Do not be afraid to lean into the pain of grief, loneliness, and depression this holiday season. Look it in the eye, name it, own it, and grieve it. Be okay to miss the people you've lost. Be okay to talk about them. Be okay to hug a little longer. Be okay to invite that person who is alone for the holidays, even if you don't have a present for them under the tree. Be okay.......to not be okay. I remind myself all the time, "Do not look backward! You aren't going that way!"
No comments:
Post a Comment