Have you ever felt exhaustion deep in your soul?

Have you ever felt the kind of emotional exhaustion that can only be described as exhausted deep in your soul? It isn't necessarily physical, but it's an exhaustion that overtakes you. Emotional and spiritual exhaustion that just makes your soul tired. I think in some people, it can be compartmentalized. For me, I know that lately I have felt a deep emotional exhaustion because of circumstances surrounding me.

I read things all the time about the difference between narcissism and empathy. Which one are you? How do they interact with each other? Top ten ways you can tell if you're a narcissist or an empath. Top five ways to handle the narcissist if you're an empath, and why empaths don't like being around people who are the opposite of them, and why they are drawn to narcissist, and on and on and on it goes. How about a how to guide on how to change? How about someone tell us how to CHANGE the things we do wrong? Cause being an empath has it's major downfalls, and I believe EVERYONE has some narcissism in their soul.

If every single person identified the narcissism in their own soul, and learned to change those evil tendencies, can you imagine what the world would look like? In all my readings of these two subjects: narcissism and empathy, I have discovered that I am BOTH.  There, I admitted it publicly, I am a narcissist.  So now what?  I have identified it, now it's time for me to CHANGE those tenancies and not give into the ease of blaming my faults on that part of me.

My soul is tired because I allow conflict, relationships, my own failings, the failings of others, and the pain that affects those I love to take a piece of me every time something else happens. It would be so much easier to let my narcissism take over and become a person who just doesn't give a &$*#!  But that is just not who I am. So when others betray me, it hurts, deep.  It cuts me in my SOUL. When people I love are in pain, I go to their pain with them, and it hurts....deep in my soul.  When people will not deal directly with ME when they have an issue with me, but talk about me to others, it hurts me.....deep in my soul.  When my children are in pain and I cannot fix it, it hurts me....deep in my soul. And when it all comes at me at the same time, and I have to fight with all of my strength to NOT let my narcissism take over, it is exhausting, and it hurts.....and I am exhausted in my soul.

Someone told me once that people need to get past my guarded exterior to see what is behind it, and once they do, they will see a whole other side of me that is going to give you my heart and soul if you need it;  and then usually those people leave, and it hurts.  An empath at her best.  Who the hell wants to be an empath if this is what happens on the other side of those relationships?  Why would I keep giving myself to people who don't earn my trust? Because history has PROVEN that they will eventually go away and the pain will be real.

A dear friend told me recently to stop being so open to everyone, to stop allowing people who haven't earned my trust "in".  It made me laugh coming from her because she and I are cut out of the same cloth and I am also telling her the same thing. And then both of us see a need and rush to meet it. Rarely does that pay off. But, it's who I am! It's how I was raised, and for a few years I allowed my narcissism to come out because of the pain I experienced. I shared before how the bitterness took me over and the hatred was so real I could cut it with a knife. NEVER again will I allow that to be me.  Never again will I allow that ugliness to take over my life. So that means I have to learn to balance the empathy with the narcissism.

This Thanksgiving week is all about being thankful.  And I am SO thankful for so many things. I am thankful for my husband and children. I am thankful for EVERY trial I have walked through with my kids and the fact that they are so strong and yet so vulnerable. They have not allowed pain and hurt to change them into mean or hateful people.  They come together in ways I have honestly never seen and when one of them hurts, they all hurt. Their commitment to each other is a testimony to their ability to overcome their inner narcissist and be willing to enter the pain of others and not be afraid to lose a piece of themselves when they do.


I am thankful for my friends, old and new; relationships that are solid and those that are broken. For in every one, even the ones that have been painful, I have grown and I have learned and I have loved. I have grieved the losses of amazing relationships and watched a piece of myself go with the broken friendship. But I also see myself grow from each experience, knowing I contributed in some way to the brokenness and finding where I went wrong and working to change.

I often tell people who come to me for advice or help to read my blogs, because that is my most vulnerable heart and soul, in writing, exposed for all to see.  And today I want to say thank you to all of those who read my blogs and allow my vulnerability to enter into your lives. I am not perfect and not everything I say is right, nor does it really even matter in the journey of YOUR life.  But thank you for letting me share to the anonymous world out there and for allowing me to GROW as I share. I hope in some small way it helps others, otherwise what is the point?

If I could ask anything of anyone, it would be to try to identify the narcissism in your soul, identify it and be aware of it so that when conflict arises, which is always will, you will be able to know your weakness and fight those tendencies. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all stopped running from the absolute truth that we are all in some way "not nice people", and worked harder to become better; better emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically.  Take a moment this week to "practice the pause", and be still, and hear your inner soul.  Take a moment and be thankful for who you are, your strengths and your weaknesses, and for those you love or have loved, and soak in it.....even if it's just for a moment.

Happy Thanksgiving.