10 years already, yet it seems a lifetime

Ten years ago today, my Grandmother died. Seems like a pretty benign statement. Grandmothers are supposed to die. They are old, mine was sick for 13 years with heart disease. Shouldn't cause to much of a blip in our lives when a Grandmother dies. Not this Grandmother. This woman was truly the most amazing woman you would ever want to meet. I was the oldest granddaughter out of...well, I've lost count...like 40 something. And I thought my relationship with her was the most special. Come to find out...all 40something grandchildren felt the same way. We all thought we were the favorite! There are so many special things I remember about Grandmother. I remember being a child and staying at her scary house (and hating it), I remember going to the beach and having her help me body surf in the waves. I remember her taking us to ride Popsicle and Pumpkin (they were horses) when the Ohio Watts cousins came. I still laugh when I think of the many, many times I would startle her accidentally when she walked in a room. She would scream, then I would scream....then we couldn't stop laughing. She was a huge fan of me in my weight loss struggles. Anything she could do or buy me to help me with the process, she would do. She would cry with me when I didn't lose weight regardless of the work, and rejoice greatly when I did. I have moments in my memory that are etched there forever. When Greg and I went to tell her that we were engaged, when I got married and she was there. (We had been told she wouldn't live long enough to see us married). When I lived with her during the summer of my 16th birthday to take drivers ed. She got me hooked on soap operas!! Our long talks deep into the day when I was supposed to be working in the office. The trips to the store to buy her bridge mix and hard cookies that we would hide for her to snack on. The advice she would give me about my new friends, and the warnings about boys. She was one of the few people that could call me by my full name and I wouldn't feel at all threatened or in trouble. Grandmother shared some of her struggles with me, and I found out later how incredibly blessed I was to be given that honor. I will treasure her life lessons and struggles forever. What an incredible legacy she has left us. All of the children serving in ministry in some capacity. All the grandchildren given a solid Christian foundation. At my deepest moments of grief I have ached for her. Each baby that never went to full pregnancy, each anniversary of Mark's death, each birthday of my children, and now...as Danielle enters the age that I was closest to my Grandmother, I am so blessed to see my Mom carrying on the tradition. For truly, my Grandmother was my dearest and best friend, next to my Mother. I have a huge whole that aches for her. No, not like any other Grandmother...not even close. I miss you, Grandmother. I ache to tell you the things in my world. I ache to sit next to you and talk for hours. I ache for your comfort, your advice, your laughter. I love you....I can't wait to see you again.

The day after Christmas has the potential to be so many different things....sad, relaxing, reflective, hectic, boring, exciting. Our Christmas this year has been wonderful. Cori came home and surprised the kids for Christmas, and they have had a fabulous time already! Just like everyone else, we cut back this year due to our wonderful economy. Our children didn't notice at all! They kept saying it was the best Christmas ever....of course it was....all five children were back under one roof. All feels right in their world again. As I reflect on this, I consider the future. Eventually, all of our children will leave. Eventually, one by one, they will go their own way..find their own path. We pray that we have done everything God has commanded us as Christian parents, and that they will make good choices and live a life pleasing to Him. With a son in the Navy, it is a reminder how quickly time flies by. So many days I am rushing to get to bedtime so I can have some time to myself, or with Greg. I am hurrying through prayers, hurrying through baths, hurrying through kisses...ultimately, I am MISSING out on the opportunity to pray with my children, to smother them in kisses, to hear their thoughts. And every day that floats by, I am one step closer to the empty house. This year, I pray that God will help me slow down and ENJOY my children....each part of each piece of them. It seems like just weeks agao it was Christmas 2007, and here we are again...Christmas 2008. I don't want to blink again and be at Christmas 2009. I want to enjoy every moment, every success, every failure, every kiss, every hug.

Facing the holidays as a step-mom

My experience as a step-mom has been an amazing roller coaster ride. There was so much I did wrong and so much I would change. Somehow, God's grace has covered a multitude of my mistakes. Cori was 18 months when I met my husband, Greg; so I have always been in Cori's life. Every Christmas and every other summer he would come to Delaware from the time he was three years old. "Dad" and "Heidi" went together. We hardly ever used the word "step". We were an instant family. We did the typical “shared custody” for several years. At the age of 11, he stopped visiting his mother altogether. That was when it got VERY interesting. I was no longer a "part time" Mom to Cori. I was IT. Cori even started to call me “Mom”. I was battling a force much stronger than any I had ever experienced; the force of another mom, Cori's mom, in my home. The hardest times in Cori's life were the holidays. From about Halloween through Valentine's Day, Cori suffered in silence. It took us several years of changed behavior for us to figure out what the issue was. Cori missed his mom, and as hard as I tried, I didn't cut it. The tie from a child to his mother is like no other. The typical blended family rules didn't apply to us in that I wasn't "sharing" custody. But, I was definitely sharing. There were things I could have done to help Cori, and the rest of our family, through the holiday season. The sullen looks from Cori and the irritation I felt from his behavior could have been improved. People always say that Christmas is a time for children, but for a “step-child”, these magical days are sometimes painful. Here are some things about Christmas with a “step-child” I wish I had learned early on.
1. Be the grown up, and understand that holidays can be very painful for step-children. Whether through divorce or death, they do not have their two parents together. Because they may not yet understand that hollow feeling, they may lash out. Remember that while if feels personal against you, it isn’t.
2. Talk to the child about the other parent in a positive, uplifting way. Ask them if they are missing their Mom. Listen to them with an open heart. Open the lines of communication and step into their pain, even if they think you caused it.
3. Encourage your family to accept your step-child and do everything they can to make Christmas special for them. Often, a step-child has to split their time between parents. Schedule family functions so that they can attend if possible.
4. Touch and hug your step-child as much as you can. This was something I struggled with so much, and I regret it deeply. Physical touch is so important to children of all ages.
5. Enjoy every minute you have with them. Remember that the ideal family mold was broken for them. You can make it less painful by showing them you enjoy them, even if they make it hard.
6. Encourage the child to enjoy their time away from you without guilt. Tell them how much you want them to enjoy it, and be sure to be excited when they tell you about it. Don't ever give the child reason to believe you dislike the "other family".
This Christmas season, remove the word “step” from your vocabulary, hug your CHILD, and pray that the child in your blended family will see the beautiful reflection of Jesus every time he looks at you.

FACEBOOK is good, but FACE to FACE really is better!

I find myself in a familiar situation, yet again. Recuperating from surgery, relying on other people to help feed my family, get my kids to school, clean my house. It is something I've done before. This time, I have Facebook, and that has been a great thing. I feel like I am seeing people, I am definitely hearing from people, and I get to even "chat" with people. But, this week I discovered first hand that face to face is just so much more special! 4 of the 5 days this week someone visited me (besides my Mom!). They brought lunch, or dinner, and sat to chat with me. Maybe for an hour, maybe for the afternoon; but each time was SO special. I so greatly appreciated them taking time in their life to come spend it with me. The hours spent looking at walls go much faster when you are able to visit with dear friends. Laughing at current life circumstances or listening to what God is doing in their lives.....every visit was a special visit. SO, the next time you THINK about visiting or getting together with an old friend, whether they are recuperating from surgery or not....DO it. Go for a walk together, or meet for coffee. Spend an hour together, and limit it if you need to....but every once in a while, forget about Facebook, and get FACE to FACE! You'll be glad you did. :)

Stay off my feet? Are you crazy?

2 weeks ago, I had a fasciotomy on my foot. I have had years of problems with my feet, but over the past 2 years, the pain and damage has gotten worse. The doc says that all the exercise was causing serious damage on my already damaged feet. Over the summer, I tried a procedure that was less invasive to see if that would work. It seems to have worked on my right foot, but not my left. So, I had a semi-major surgery to remove the damaged fascia and shave down the heel spur. The recovery is long and slow. The first 30 days are to be spent off my foot. If I MUST be on my feet, I can do that for NO more than 15 minutes in an entire hour, and ONLY if very necessary. So, how do you do this with 4 young children and a hubby that works more than a full time job? With a lot of help from your friends! Our church family has people coming to clean, and people bringing us meals, and people taking our kids to and from school. We are well taken care of.

BUT, who is being Mommy???? Mommy is stuck in her room. Well, I'm still here, but am I really HERE? About a week into it, a week of me NOT leaving my room, I started hearing fighting and bickering. Less smiles on the kids faces, less smile on Hubby's face....less willingness to take care of Mommy. Hmmmm...........I needed to go downstairs. So, I did. I went to the couch, set up camp, and everything settled down. The kids stopped fighting, no more bickering. Hubby seemed slightly less tense, the kids were so much happier. Everyone wanted to serve me and help out. Why? What changed? MOMMY became the focal point of the home again. All was right in the home again. I may not have been fixing dinner in the kitchen, or washing clothes in the laundry room, or running to the grocery store, or fixing lunches, or even sitting WITH my children on the couch; but I was back to the center of the home, and that was where I belonged.

A cry for help from an young friend and 7 rules of dieting

As these pictures show, in the past 3 years I have lost close to 100 pounds. I still have weight to lose, and for me it is a slow painful process. Today I received a heart breaking email from a young (21 year old) woman that touched me deeply. She and I go way back, and I recently saw her at a wedding. It was the first time she had seen my weight loss and it really stuck with her. Her email was titled "HELP", and she said that she couldn't stop thinking about my weight loss and she wanted me to help her. She said that she is tired of putting a towel on the mirror when she gets in the shower every day so that she can't see herself when she gets out. THIS just broke my heart. I remember so well being overwhelmed with the amount of weight I had to lose, and feeling hopeless to do it. Due to distance, I cannot help her with hands on training. But, I passed on my 7 rules of weight loss to her, in the hopes that it would give her a jumpstart. It seemed like a great opportunity to capture them here in my blog.

1. NO ALCOHOL. And I mean this....for the time you are losing weight...NO alcohol. When I heard that a margarita (my favorite drink) had 600 calories, I swore I would never drink it again.

2. No regular sodas, no juices, no milk above 1%. Again....make this a commitment. DRINKING calories, to me, is just silly. I would much rather chew them.

3. Work up to a gallon of water a day. This will decrease as you lose weight, but I still shoot for 1 gallon a day.

4. No white products. This means...no white sugar, white flour, white rice, white noodles, white bread, or white potatoes.

5. EVERYTHING should be low fat. Low fat mayo, salad dressings, sour cream, ice cream, EVERYTHING that has an option for low fat should be low fat. OR, remove it completely...NO mayo, NO sour cream, etc. It's all about how serious you are. For me, I removed ALL of that stuff and STILL don't touch a lot of it. Fat free products have more sugar in them then low fat, so reach for the low fat if possible.

6. Journal everything. http://www.sparkpeople.com/ is a free online diet journal. It was VERY helpful to me, and I require people I work with to use it and give me their password so I can check their food intake at any time. It is great because it really works like a nutritionist. Your calories should be around 1500 a day, and can go as low as 1200 a day. No lower, though, or it doesn't work.

7. EXERCISE at least 30 minutes a day. If you cannot simply walk at a fast pace for 30 minutes on a treadmill or outside; consider the Biggest Loser original DVD. They have a 20 minute cardio and 20 minute strength segment. Together, they offer a great start to the new exerciser.

Many people have no idea how they got overweight. They don't understand nutrition or exercise. Hopefully, these easy 7 rules will help create boundaries and guidelines that will lead to success.