My experience as a step-mom has been an amazing roller coaster ride. There was so much I did wrong and so much I would change. Somehow, God's grace has covered a multitude of my mistakes. Cori was 18 months when I met my husband, Greg; so I have always been in Cori's life. Every Christmas and every other summer he would come to Delaware from the time he was three years old. "Dad" and "Heidi" went together. We hardly ever used the word "step". We were an instant family. We did the typical “shared custody” for several years. At the age of 11, he stopped visiting his mother altogether. That was when it got VERY interesting. I was no longer a "part time" Mom to Cori. I was IT. Cori even started to call me “Mom”. I was battling a force much stronger than any I had ever experienced; the force of another mom, Cori's mom, in my home. The hardest times in Cori's life were the holidays. From about Halloween through Valentine's Day, Cori suffered in silence. It took us several years of changed behavior for us to figure out what the issue was. Cori missed his mom, and as hard as I tried, I didn't cut it. The tie from a child to his mother is like no other. The typical blended family rules didn't apply to us in that I wasn't "sharing" custody. But, I was definitely sharing. There were things I could have done to help Cori, and the rest of our family, through the holiday season. The sullen looks from Cori and the irritation I felt from his behavior could have been improved. People always say that Christmas is a time for children, but for a “step-child”, these magical days are sometimes painful. Here are some things about Christmas with a “step-child” I wish I had learned early on.
1. Be the grown up, and understand that holidays can be very painful for step-children. Whether through divorce or death, they do not have their two parents together. Because they may not yet understand that hollow feeling, they may lash out. Remember that while if feels personal against you, it isn’t.
2. Talk to the child about the other parent in a positive, uplifting way. Ask them if they are missing their Mom. Listen to them with an open heart. Open the lines of communication and step into their pain, even if they think you caused it.
3. Encourage your family to accept your step-child and do everything they can to make Christmas special for them. Often, a step-child has to split their time between parents. Schedule family functions so that they can attend if possible.
4. Touch and hug your step-child as much as you can. This was something I struggled with so much, and I regret it deeply. Physical touch is so important to children of all ages.
5. Enjoy every minute you have with them. Remember that the ideal family mold was broken for them. You can make it less painful by showing them you enjoy them, even if they make it hard.
6. Encourage the child to enjoy their time away from you without guilt. Tell them how much you want them to enjoy it, and be sure to be excited when they tell you about it. Don't ever give the child reason to believe you dislike the "other family".
This Christmas season, remove the word “step” from your vocabulary, hug your CHILD, and pray that the child in your blended family will see the beautiful reflection of Jesus every time he looks at you.
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