Mother's Day isn't always easy! A tribute to my Momma

Maybe this quarantine has given me a chance to just slow down and reflect more than normal. I spoke to my aunt this week who is celebrating her first Mother's Day without her mom. I've known her mom since I was a young teenager. She always made me feel like family, she paid attention to me when I was around as a young girl. Asked me questions about my life, showed interest through the years. She was filled with grace and elegance and class. When she died, I hadn't seen her in many years, but I felt the loss profoundly, and I felt my aunt's loss even more. Mostly because I knew her relationship with her Mom was like my relationship with my mom, and the thought of being in her shoes was overwhelming to me. Another dear friend lost her mom this year, and I know she is going to be very broken this weekend as she steps back into her grief and misses her mom on Mother's Day. My sister-in-laws lost their mother at a young age, and all through our lives I know they have hated Mother's Day, even as mothers, because they just miss their mom. The loss

of a mother is so profound, I am sure.

As a newly married woman I was desperate to have a baby. All I had ever wanted was to get married and have a houseful of children. As months turned into years and I wasn't pregnant, I remember being very mean and angry on Mother's Day because I wasn't a mother. I didn't want to celebrate what I couldn't have, selfishly. Because my own mom, of course, deserved to be celebrated. My brother Mark's birthday is May 11th. He died when he was 16 of a car accident. His birthday, being right around Mother's Day every year, and some years ON Mother's Day is BRUTAL, especially for my Mom.  I just cannot imagine celebrating the birth of a child no longer with me on Mother's Day, the day we celebrate BEING the person who brought that child into the world. But somehow, my mother manages to get up every day and breathe.

My parents are snowbirds and go to Florida after Christmas and come back around April to "stay".  They go back and forth from September to December, and come back during the winter for important things like weddings and births and funerals. This year, they got quarantined in Florida, missed their

granddaughter's wedding, haven't been able to see their first great-granchild except the week he was born, and have been away from their family during this whole thing. Just like everyone else, I know. But my mom CRAVES her grandchildren and children. My son Benjamin said that every time he facetimes or talks to her, she cries.  Somehow, she has inherited the gift her mother had, and every grandchild believes they are the favorite and she has a very special relationship with every single one.  I think this will be the first Mother's Day since Mark died that my Mom won't be around her kids on Mother's Day.  I know for so many, this is a very strange, hard, and lonely Mother's Day. 

Anyone who knows my mother will agree that there is truly no one like her. She exudes grace and mercy and compassion. Her love for my dad, her children, her grandchildren, and now great-grandchild is unimaginable and cannot be described. After decades of marriage, she still clearly desires nothing more than to be next to my father's side at all times, and completes him in ways I still

do not understand even after 50 years of watching them love each other. I have always said if I could grow up to be HALF the woman she is, I will be one of the greatest women to ever walk this earth. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I heard a song this week I had never heard before, "Mother," by Sugarland, and I thought, I hope my kids feel this way about me.  My parents have always said that all they wanted was for us to "do it better than they did", and I thought......if my kids feel this way about me, the way this song depicts a mother, then maybe, just maybe I have some of my Momma in me....because SHE has taught me how to be a: Love Unconditionally, support always, listen first-speak later, serve others, pray without ceasing, teach through example, show mercy, exude grace, admit wrong, seek forgiveness, stay humble, be kind, and love DEEPLY....human being and MOMMA.    Mother, by Sugarland (I do not own the rights to this song)

There is NO ONE like my mom. If you have not had the amazing pleasure of knowing her, it is TRULY a loss. I love you Mom. Thank you for being steadfast, unwavering, confident, strong, bold, compassionate, merciful, graceful, and always loving me. 

Check out the song I reference here!!!   Mother, by Sugarland (I do not own the rights to this song)