You can only lose what you cling to

I wasn't even planning to write today, but I ran across this quote and it just hit me like glass of cold water in my face. "You can only lose what you cling to."  Just let that sink in for a minute. Think about things we "lose".  I mean, the first thing I thought of was friendships, relationships, people. Makes sense because that's what I write about most of the time.....relationships. I've spent my entire life engaged with people. I am a people person.  I love people, I love knowing them.  I love knowing their lives, and their families. I want to help if they need me. I want to be there for them if they want me to. I hold on too tight, and I can't let go. And my grip is SO tight because I am so afraid to lose, again. I jump in super fast and do not make people "earn" their trust with me.

When my kids were little and they would get balloons, we would tie them to their wrist so they wouldn't fly away. They didn't want to lose them, but they didn't understand they had to keep their hand closed so that they wouldn't sail off into the sky. Sometimes, we need to hold on tight. Sometimes it is in our best interest to hold on tight. To a child that isn't ready to fly yet, or to a marriage that needs both parties to work hard to make it successful. But sometimes, we need to release our grip and just see what happens. Maybe we just tie it loosely to our wrist and see how long it stays. Sometimes we are holding on too tight, and it's time to just release, relax, and watch. I have such a hard time with that concept. I am afraid to let go. I am afraid to relase my grip and "see what happens".  I have learned that lesson the hard way, through so much pain and loss and broken friendships that when you do that, you just may lose.

When I took my counseling certification classes, there were two big lessons I learned. One: work on yourself first.  Two: don't be afraid of the silence.  When it comes to this subject, that you can only lose what you cling to, I think both of these lessons apply. First, I have to stop clinging to what does not want to be clung to.  When a relationship becomes one sided, it is time for me to stop clinging. A relentless pursuit of what is gone does nothing but hurt both parties and a loss is felt more. Secondly, just be quiet. Don't speak too much. Don't pursue with words. Don't pursue with anger. Don't pursue with accusations. Don't pursue at all. If you think something is wrong, you've asked, they either don't answer or say everything is fine, but their actions say differently.......be silent.  Let them show you they want you in their lives.  Let them prove YOUR worth to THEM.  Too often we demand to know how important we are to someone. We seek resolution so desperately that we create a bigger problem because we've made it awkward and uncomfortable. Not everyone is capable of deep relationships, and that needs to be okay.  We need to learn to accept different levels of friendships.

The oppposite can be said as well. We become TOO silent and the other party then wonders why we aren't talking to them. OMG!  It's such a fine line we have to walk! It shouldn't be this hard!  We should KNOW who we love and who loves us and we should not have to walk on so many eggshells.  Our relationships should not be based on what other people think of those we care about.  They should not be based on what other people want from those we care about. We live in a society where, thanks to social media, we spend so much time assuming and judging every one else.  We know what people have for dinner, where they went for their groceries, what they watched on Netflix, what time they put their PJ's on, who they were with, who they invited to what party, and what "circle" they are in today.  WHO CARES????  We need to INVEST in each other. We need to dig past the surface and learn about people. We need to be the kind of people that will flood an ER when someone is sick because we are FAMILY to each other. We need to know who has our back because they know without a doubt that we have theirs. But instead, we are spending so much time making sure there isn't a knife in that hand about to stab us.  There are so many landmines for us to fall into, it's a miracle any of our friendships have survived. And then anger and bitterness and sadness sets in and we find ourselves in a void and don't even know where we stand anymore.

What am I clinging to that I just need to release my grip on?  What am I holding onto so tightly that my knuckles are white and my fingers are falling asleep?  What makes my heart race at the thought of losing it?  Maybe it's time to let the knife land and see who pulls it out.  Maybe it isn't a relationship at all!  Maybe it's regret, or forgiveness, or anger, or hate, or sadness, or bitterness. Maybe it's time to just go ahead and let down and tie the string loosely and be okay when it floats away, because it was there for a time........and see if I'm okay on the other side. Maybe it's just time to let it go and see if it flies away, and find out if I am okay without it?  Something tells me I will be.