Day 1 of Practicing the Pause

My best friend sent me this quote when I told her I was going to just "take a breath" and figure out my life before I go onto the next thing. It has resonated with me since the minute she sent it and it's becoming a lifeline for me.  A "How To Guide" on "Practicing the Pause".  

I'm not too sure what to do with myself these days. I left a job I loved due to extenuating circumstances; my business is self supporting and doesn't need me. I'm not in a position where I HAVE to work for financial reasons, though it helps the family greatly. So I find myself just "being".  My household needs my attention badly.  Not just the building itself that has been neglected through the last few years of emotional stress. But my family needs me present. I'm not sure I remember how to do that anymore.  And I'm not sure I want to learn again. In the past my writing has been my therapy. Now I ride a Harley!!  But I've been encouraged to write. About what?  I have not a clue.  What would help other people while I help myself?  Cause that's what my life has always been about......helping other people.  Hmmmmmm.........If you read this blog and the entries from years past, you will see I've been all over the place with my writing. My last post here was in 2014!  About right, the last 4 years have been........interesting.  Much of it is in books that my children will find when I am gone. But the entries here documented a journey with many stops along the way. And this is just another stop. 

This morning I was sitting outside, watching my dogs run in this rare cool July weather, drinking my coffee, and trying to read a book. Read a book?  I haven't stopped long enough to even charge

my kindle unless we are on vacation! I can't focus to read. Just the idea of trying to "relax" is stressful to me! But I had a thought.  If I'm serious about this idea of "Practicing the Pause", I need to force it.  I thought, maybe I try to find something every day that forces me to pause. Take a picture of it, write about it. Create a habit.  Takes 21 days right?  I'm gonna try it.  I thought, I won't post it, it'll just be for me.  But where is the accountability in that?  And maybe there are others who need it.  Ugh, of course I take it back to helping others. But that's my DNA. That's what makes me...me.  It also gets me in a ton of trouble sometimes because it's misconstrued....but that's for another day.  

Yesterday I came outside and just sat. Again, I had my book in my hand but never read a word. I was trying to PHYSICALLY "practice the pause".  I had already been to 3 grocery stores, had dinner in the over, did several loads of laundry, paid the bills, and now I was trying to just sit for a moment and breathe.  Why is it that in moments like that your mind goes back to the things that have hurt you?  Is it possible to train your mind to be focused on the things that heal? Or is that part of the process?  I know grief is a process, and we grieve over three different types of things: 1. Things done TO you.  2. Things you've done.  3. Things that have happened beyond your control (like death).  What happens when it's a combination of all three?  WHEW...CHAOS!!!!!  So when I stop and allow even a few minutes of silence to surround me, I am bombarded with all that hurts.  Hmmmmm...........so no silence, no pain?  Perhaps this is why I've never taken a breath......ever.  

So as I force myself to practice the pause, I am going to attempt to force myself to go back to what I know. Go back to who I am deep inside, observe my "emotional landscape" and just take a breath.  And so that I can learn from myself in the future, I'm going to take a writing journey while I do it. Hopefully I will learn a lot about myself as I "Practice the Pause".  Till tomorrow.......